


The Accidental Husband

by Zoe Rayne (MontanaHarper)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-11-09
Updated: 2005-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-18 16:34:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MontanaHarper/pseuds/Zoe%20Rayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>For the first time in...well, forever, actually...Rodney had nothing to say—no sarcastic reply, no scathing personal commentary, nothing. He settled for staring incredulously, and was gratified at the flush of red that spread up from Sheppard's collar and became a full-blown blush.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Accidental Husband

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zoemargaret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoemargaret/gifts).



> Slashfest story with the prompt: "What the hell did you do?"

Rodney followed the sound of cheering because it almost always meant one of two things: a celebration—usually involving some variation of wine, women, and song, which just happened to be three of Rodney's favorite things—or Major Sheppard in dire straits. When he found the source of the noise, though, he stopped, surprised to find a conflation of the two.

Sheppard was standing in front of the Zanai temple with another man, their hands clasped together and raised like Sheppard was a prize-winning boxer, the crowd roaring its approval. He pushed his way through the throng of bodies until he was near Sheppard, who had pulled his hand free and had turned to face him.

"What the hell did you do, Major?" Rodney hissed through gritted teeth.

"Nothing!" Sheppard's eyes were wide. Rodney continued to glare silently at him. "Okay, okay," Sheppard finally said, "maybe I accidentally married the chieftain's son. Just a little."

For the first time in...well, forever, actually...Rodney had nothing to say—no sarcastic reply, no scathing personal commentary, nothing. He settled for staring incredulously, and was gratified at the flush of red that spread up from Sheppard's collar and became a full-blown blush.

"It wasn't my fault," Sheppard protested, his tone dangerously close to a whine. "Lukas offered me a drink and I took it. I didn't know that was the Zanai equivalent of a quickie Las Vegas wedding!"

The whole thing was beyond ridiculous. Bates or Stackhouse (or, God forbid, Kavanagh) never came back from a mission with an accidental spouse in tow; no, this could only ever happen to John Sheppard. Actually, now that Rodney thought about it, it was kind of amusing. It'd certainly provide fodder for weeks of teasing. Possibly months, even.

As Sheppard opened his mouth, Rodney held up a hand to forestall any further explanations or protests, and said, "It's about time to report in, isn't it? Maybe Elizabeth will have a suggestion." Sheppard blanched at that. Rodney fought back the urge to grin, and continued, "I assume hubby's coming back to Atlantis with us? Maybe you can get bigger quarters and time off for a honeymoon, if you play your cards right."

He hadn't thought it was possible for Sheppard's eyes to go wider, but he'd apparently been wrong. "Rodney! He is _not_ moving in with me."

"Well, you certainly can't live here. The commute is a little excessive, not to mention that you'd be out of radio contact most of the time." Teasing him was easy—almost _too_ easy—if you knew Sheppard well enough to read his expressions, and if there was one person Rodney knew, it was John Sheppard. "Of course, you could go back to Atlantis and he could stay here, but long-distance relationships are statistically far more likely to fail—"

"I'm not staying married to him!" Sheppard protested, pitching his voice low so that it didn't carry.

Rodney let the grin spread across his face. "Well, we'll see what Elizabeth has to say about that, won't we?"

~ * ~ * ~

Much to Rodney's disappointment, Elizabeth didn't have anything to say about it, aside from insisting the team return to Atlantis immediately to debrief, and so the five of them had stepped back through the stargate less than two hours into the mission. Lukas had shown every intention of accompanying his new husband, and by tacit agreement no one had argued—not even Rodney, who'd felt an almost irresistible urge to protest.

Elizabeth had greeted Lukas politely and without batting an eyelash. After a few minutes of boring diplomatic bullshit that Rodney had tuned out—he'd had a sudden flash of insight on how to eke a little more power out of the naquadah generators, and had been working on the equations in his head—she'd called Peter over and had asked him to give Lukas the VIP tour of the city.

When the rest of them got to the conference room, Rodney was surprised to see Bates already there, sitting at attention. Bates turned his head slightly to watch as the rest of them filed in and found their seats, then the doors rotated shut with a quiet click, and without preamble, Elizabeth said, "What do we know about Zanai marriage customs?"

"Well, they're obviously not very picky about _who_ they marry," Rodney said. He got glares from both Elizabeth and Sheppard, but it was worth it.

"Before we left," Teyla began, "I talked briefly with the chieftain. I explained to her that it is not the custom of your people to wed so hastily."

Sheppard frowned. "Are you sure it was a good idea to talk to her about it? I mean, he's her son and all; I can't imagine she's pleased to hear that I'm—"

Rodney couldn't resist. "Unwilling to make an honest man of him?"

"—reluctant to marry him," Sheppard said, ignoring him entirely.

"Oh, you never know. Maybe she's pleased. After all, not everyone wants a flyboy Lothario for a son-in-law. Though I suppose 'Lothario' isn't technically correct, since Lukas isn't a woman—" A cough from Elizabeth interrupted him, and when he looked over, she raised her eyebrows, her body language speaking volumes. He didn't particularly care, but he pasted on a bored expression and leaned back in his chair.

"Danika was very emphatic," Teyla continued, "that the ceremony Major Sheppard took part in is binding. I am afraid that if he were to try to withdraw his acceptance now it would create an irreparable diplomatic incident."

Elizabeth was shaking her head, and he knew exactly what she was going to say; it would be some moralistic claptrap that would end in Sheppard not having to deal with the consequences of his ill-considered actions. As usual.

"Well, we're just going to have to risk that," she said, "because I will not ask Major Sheppard to prostitute himself, not even to secure an alliance." Proving Rodney right, also as usual.

Rodney opened his mouth to make some snide comment about Sheppard lying back and thinking of Atlantis, but Teyla spoke before he could get the words out. "The vow is not a permanent one," she said. "Danika explained that it is intended to give the couple time to become more familiar with one another, and to help determine whether or not they are truly compatible."

"More like an engagement than a marriage, then," Elizabeth said in a thoughtful tone, and Rodney felt a knot start in the pit of his stomach.

"How long?" Sheppard sounded like he was actually considering going through with it, and the knot tightened. Elizabeth opened her mouth, but Sheppard interrupted her before she could speak. "How long?" he repeated.

"One Anzanai lunar cycle," Teyla said. "That would be approximately forty-five Atlantian days." She paused for a moment, and then said, gently, "I believe the vow would require consummation of the union during that time."

Rodney took a breath and tried to relax. Right. Like Sheppard would _ever_ consider going there. The man was as straight as a box of rulers, so Teyla's little revelation would certainly put an end to any further acts of self-sacrifice on his part. Rodney was obscurely glad that it hadn't been the chieftain's _daughter_ who'd offered Sheppard a drink; he wasn't sure he could deal with another Chaya-type incident.

Sheppard's mouth tightened into a thin line. "Well," he said to Elizabeth, "it's not really that big of a deal, is it? A month and a half? Like you said, it's like an engagement."

Rodney knew he was staring, but he couldn't seem to stop himself. A willingness to go along with this absurd "try it before you buy it" marriage scheme was probably the last thing he'd expected from Sheppard—or maybe next-to-last, because an impassioned coming-out speech would've been the _last_ thing he'd have expected.

"John, it was an honest mistake. I can't ask you to—"

"No," Sheppard interrupted. "It was mostly a mistake, yes, but...." He paused, took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. "I was actually kind of flirting with Lukas."

Okay, now the universe was definitely fucking with Rodney. He felt a little lightheaded, and wondered if somehow he were back on M5S-224, lying passed out on the surface of the planet while wish-fulfillment aliens messed with his mind. Except that while he might have wished—fervently, even, some days—that Sheppard swung that way, he didn't think he was masochistic enough to dream up a macho alien prince of a husband for him.

"Obviously," Sheppard continued, "I didn't mean for it to get that serious, but it's not exactly going to be a hardship for me to spend a few weeks with him. And if it benefits Atlantis, well, then everybody wins."

It suddenly occurred to Rodney that despite the fact that Sheppard was speaking to Elizabeth, he wasn't _looking_ at her anymore, but was, instead, focused on Bates. That, more than anything, convinced Rodney that this wasn't some kind of bizarre illusion; the particular repercussions of outing oneself in front of Bates hadn't even occurred to him until now.

For his part, Bates had remained impassive throughout the discussion, looking for all the world like his superior officer wasn't currently violating regulations six ways from Sunday. He watched Sheppard's face calmly, then turned his attention to Elizabeth when she began to speak.

"Think about this for a minute, John," she said. "Do you think this is fair to Lukas? You're leading him on."

"You heard Teyla. That's what this time is for: getting to know each other and deciding if we're compatible. It's his culture, Elizabeth, I'm sure he knew what he was getting into. It'll be fine." Sheppard lounged back in his chair, apparently relaxed, but Rodney watched his fingers tap out a nervous rhythm against one thigh.

Elizabeth nodded slightly. "Okay, let's say that I accept that. What if you _are_ compatible?"

That was obviously something he hadn't considered, because his face reverted to what Rodney thought of as his null state expression. "Well," he said slowly. "I suppose that depends entirely on you and Sergeant Bates, doesn't it?" And to his credit, he looked completely and utterly serious.

That made Rodney's head hurt even more, because he couldn't believe they were sitting here discussing the possible outcome of Major John Sheppard's trial marriage to the son of the Zanai chieftain. It was insane. The only thing that stopped Rodney from saying so aloud was the fact that it was a moot point. Bates was US military through and through; he'd _never_ let this whole crazy thing get off the ground, let alone get to the point where Sheppard was picking out bridesmaid's dresses.

Elizabeth looked at Bates, who met her gaze levelly. "You're the diplomat, ma'am," he said, "but I think that it couldn't hurt to have ambassadors from certain worlds living in Atlantis. Zanai technology is some of the most advanced in this galaxy; they could be valuable allies. And if the Zanai ambassador were to specifically request that Major Sheppard oversee his security detail? Well, I wouldn't have any problem with that, even on a long-term basis."

"What?" Rodney said, not quite able to believe his ears. "This is insane. You are all insane. What—"

"Rodney!" Elizabeth frowned at him and he closed his mouth, his jaw clenching against the torrent of words that wanted to spill out.

"Captain Kirk strikes again," he muttered under his breath, ignoring the look Sheppard shot at him.

In the end, Sheppard won, and it was decided that the fewer people who knew the truth of the situation, the better. Lukas was given the best quarters they had available—as befitting an ambassador—and Sheppard was assigned to "guard" him. The meeting broke up and Sheppard headed off to find Lukas and explain to him—with, Rodney imagined, a fair bit of fast-talking—his newfound ambassadorial status.

And if Rodney was still in the control room when the pair returned from their wedding feast on Anzanai nearly six hours later, servants and luggage in tow, it was just because he'd been meaning to run diagnostics on the dialing system for weeks now but hadn't had the chance, nothing more.

~ * ~ * ~

It was nothing short of a nightmare. Everywhere he turned, Rodney was confronted with reminders that Sheppard was sharing quarters with someone who was probably some kind of alien sex god. He couldn't help wondering about Sheppard's prior experiences with guys—did he top, or bottom, or had he even done enough to know which he liked better?—and since knowledge of the relationship was limited to a handful of Atlantis personnel, he couldn't even relieve his frustration by complaining about it. Somehow he couldn't imagine Sergeant Bates would be very sympathetic.

Still, that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was that any time his mind was less than two-hundred percent occupied with work, he found himself thinking of Sheppard and Lukas and what might be happening behind closed doors. And not just generic _oh, God, they're probably having sex **right now**_ thoughts, but explicit, detailed, photographic-quality thoughts.

Thoughts that, if he weren't so irritated about the whole situation, would probably have been ideal jerk-off fantasies.

Except that he _was_ so irritated, and even though he didn't _want_ the intrusive images of Sheppard and Lukas _in medias res_ , that didn't seem to be stopping his mind from providing them as he lay in bed, dick in hand, just trying to get a little relief so that he could finally _finally_ sleep. It was absolutely maddening the way his fantasies all started out tall and leggy, with short blonde hair and perky breasts, and ended up brunet and smirking and on their knees in front of a blue-eyed alien Adonis.

Closing his eyes and stroking himself slowly, Rodney gave in to it, picturing Sheppard on his knees in front of the tanned, chiseled form of his bridegroom, sucking eagerly on Lukas's cock. Only, eager wasn't really Sheppard's style, was it? He'd be more likely to take it slow, teasing his way with languid applications of lips and tongue, kissing and licking and nibbling tender skin until Rodney thought he'd die from wanting. John would be looking up at him the whole time, affectionate amusement crinkling the corners of his passion-dark eyes, strong fingers pressing into Rodney's hips and holding him, keeping him still.

And Rodney would reach out, his own fingers tangling in the dark mop of John's hair, trying to ground himself with touch, trying to distract himself from the slick heat of John's mouth pulling him closer and closer to the edge.

"Oh yeah, Rodney," John would say, his hand pumping Rodney's still-slippery dick as his breath blew cool over the head. "Come for me."

Rodney did.

Thirty seconds later, staring at the blank whiteness of his ceiling with come pooling on his stomach, he realized what had just happened.

Shit. He was so screwed.

~ * ~ * ~

Back when Rodney was still buying into John's all-American flyboy persona, it had been easy enough to ignore the fact that he wanted him; he'd had a lifetime of practice at sublimating attractions to guys like John—guys who were too good looking, too cool, and far too straight. It was a lot harder now, though, knowing that John did guys. Harder to stop himself looking at John, at the curve of his throat and the breadth of his shoulders, and harder to stop himself wanting to touch and taste.

It was kind of an exercise in masochism, he thought, making himself sit here and watch John and Lukas talking and laughing together in the mess hall. They were just a couple of buddies having lunch together—nothing particularly intimate or overt, John was too smart for that—but to Rodney's eye at least, there was something about them, about their body language, that made his gut knot up.

Still, it was the last day of the engagement or trial marriage or whatever you wanted to call it, and Rodney couldn't seem to stay away. He wasn't sure he'd be able to breathe properly again until Lukas was back on Anzanai. Alone.

Assuming, of course, that Lukas was going home.

Appetite suddenly gone, Rodney pushed his tray away and stood, waving aside whatever Radek was saying at the moment. He had things to be working on in his lab; he didn't have time to be hanging around in the mess hall all day.

He'd convinced himself that he was successfully ignoring the radio chatter, but somehow he still managed to be in the gate room when John and Lukas showed up. The tension that had been building in his chest loosened a little at the sight of Lukas's servants and luggage lined up and waiting to go back through the event horizon. Back where they belonged.

Apparently he was capable of some pretty serious self-delusion, because he'd also convinced himself that it wouldn't matter what John decided at the end of the engagement period; Rodney would be happy for him, would even serve as best man if asked—though he'd have to draw the line at being a bridesmaid. Now, though, all he could think was _thank God_ , because Lukas was going home and John was staying here.

There would be another ambassador tomorrow—a real one, this time—and his assorted servants and personal items, but Rodney couldn't care less about that. Lukas was going and John was staying.

The control room was nearly empty—manned by a skeleton crew, on Elizabeth's orders, he suspected—and so he busied himself with a quick diagnostic of the sensors, not wanting John to look up and catch him watching. It was bad enough being obsessed with John; he really didn't need John _knowing_ he was obsessed. A flash of movement caught his eye and he looked up in time to see John and Lukas embrace briefly and then kiss, first one cheek and then the other, European-style. Or, Rodney supposed, Zanai-style.

Then Lukas was gone and the wormhole shut itself down, leaving the gate room in silence.

Rodney headed back to his lab, humming lightly under his breath. He hadn't made it more than a few dozen meters down the first corridor when John caught up to him, and his sense of relief dissipated. How could he have ever thought that everything would just be okay now that Lukas was out of the picture? He must be slipping, distracted by recent events, because that was the kind of simplistic assumption he would expect from someone like Kavanagh.

"Well," John said, falling into step with him, "that was kind of weird, huh? Temporary marriage."

Pretending a casual camaraderie that was just about as far as possible from how he really felt, Rodney said, "Yes, well, at least you got a little stress relief out of the deal, Major." As soon as the words left his mouth, he wanted to kick himself.

"A lot, actually," John said with a grin, and Rodney's stomach threatened to rebel. He clenched his jaw, hoping that he'd managed to keep a bland smile pasted on; he couldn't quite feel his face at the moment, so it was hard to tell. "Lukas kind of came into the situation at a disadvantage. I figured since I sort of led him on, I owed him the opportunity to try to win me away from his rival."

Maybe, Rodney thought, he was having an aneurism. It would explain the pounding in his temples and the fact that nothing John was saying made any sense to him. Or, if not an aneurism, maybe a stroke. "Rival?"

John tilted his head and looked sideways at Rodney. "Yeah, I've kind of had my eye on someone, but I didn't know if they were interested."

Rodney resisted the urge to do a double-take, instead focusing on looking calm and casual, while his mind raced to find and catalog all of the implications of that statement, ranking them from most to least likely. Starting with the former, he said, "Whoever she is, Major, I can hardly imagine she'd turn you down. You have quite a following, among the scientists at least. For instance, Simpson definitely has a thing for you."

Shaking his head, John said, "He's a little harder to read than that."

They'd reached the junction of corridors that led off to the living quarters in one direction and to the labs in the other. John turned left, away from the labs, and Rodney—heart pounding, but not from physical exertion—kept pace with him.

"Well," he said, his mouth dry, "I think Radek might be in love with Elizabeth, and the idea of Kavanagh and sex together is the stuff of nightmares, but otherwise I'd give you pretty good odds. Assuming, of course, we're talking about someone on the science team." He paused a second for impact, and then said, "Though I suspect Ford has a crush on you, as well."

That got a surprised huff of laughter from John. They walked on in silence for a moment, and then John stopped in front of Rodney's door. He looked down for a second, then raised his eyes and met Rodney's gaze unwaveringly. "Pretty good odds with the science team, huh?" he asked quietly.

And they'd worked their way down Rodney's list from most to least likely; all that was left was the option Rodney hadn't really dared hope for. "Well, all of them at once would be longer odds, I think," he said, starting to grin. "But yes. Pretty good odds."

**Author's Note:**

> Beta reading by the incomparable Casspeach and Isis; any remaining errors are all my own fault, and are probably due to stubbornness, to boot.


End file.
